From the album Stick & Poke - EP
This is a breakup song where the narrator keeps announcing they're done while simultaneously begging to be hurt again. The word 'funny' gets weaponized into something bitter, Valentine isn't charming, they're a joke the speaker can't stop being the punchline for. By the outro, the speaker blames Valentine for never letting them in, which rewrites the whole dynamic: they've been circling back to those old sheets over and over, which means they're the one who can't stay away.
I kept on thinking you'd show / Still you don't give me no reason
The speaker waited for something that never came but frames it as ongoing, 'still you don't', like Valentine is actively withholding rather than just gone. The relationship might already be over, but the narrator hasn't caught up yet.
You come with layers of cruel / Like a cake of mascara
Mascara isn't cruel until it runs, which makes this about Valentine's facade breaking down and revealing something uglier underneath. The cake image is almost celebratory, like cruelty is the event itself, not a side effect.
Need your crooked teeth / To bite into my life again / And leave me wanting
The narrator admits they want the pain back. Those crooked teeth aren't a flaw, they're the specific texture of how Valentine damages them, and the speaker misses it. This contradicts every 'never mind' and 'end of an era' that came before.
You could never let me in / I'm afraid this is the end
The speaker rewrites history: Valentine is the one who kept distance, not the person who showed up for a week and disappeared. But 'back to old sheets' and 'circling the same streets' earlier means the narrator keeps returning, which makes this accusation a way to avoid responsibility for their own pattern.
The song ends with the speaker afraid of an ending they've already announced three times. What started as a kiss-off becomes an admission: they never wanted Valentine to stay away. The whole song is them trying to convince themselves it's over while the lyrics keep proving they'd go back tonight if asked.
"Funny Valentine" by Ax and the Hatchetmen presents a breakup where the narrator repeatedly claims to be leaving while simultaneously inviting more pain, in Scalpel's line-by-line reading. The song weaponizes "funny" into bitterness, transforming Valentine from charming to a cruel joke, and by the outro reframes the dynamic to suggest the speaker themselves cannot stay away despite blaming Valentine for emotional distance. This contradiction between announced departure and compulsive return reveals the speaker's inability to actually leave.
"Funny Valentine" by Ax and the Hatchetmen explores she can't say no until it's too late, sarcasm that stops working, optimism as a choking hazard, and the violence she learned from dad. The central thread is she can't say no until it's too late: The speaker keeps cycling back to Valentine despite announcing the end multiple times, unable to break the loop until they reframe Valentine as the distant one. These themes come from Scalpel's line-by-line analysis of the lyrics.
Scalpel's line-by-line analysis of "Funny Valentine" by Ax and the Hatchetmen lands here: The song ends with the speaker afraid of an ending they've already announced three times. What started as a kiss-off becomes an admission: they never wanted Valentine to stay away.