From the album Ghost of Your Guitar Solo
This song uses the priesthood as an escape fantasy, not a calling. The speaker wants the furnished house and paid expenses, the shelter from heartbreak, but what he actually gets is blacking out and waking up embarrassed. The Catholic priest dream is just another form of avoidance, the same impulse that keeps him drinking until he can't remember what he said.
I wanted to be / A catholic priest / I would never have to worry / About the girls tryin' to break my heart
The priesthood appeal has nothing to do with God or service. It's purely defensive, a way to opt out of vulnerability before anyone gets close enough to hurt him. The same protective instinct that makes drinking to blackout seem reasonable.
All expenses paid / Yeah I'd have it made / The house would come furnished
He repeats 'I'd have it made' like he's trying to sell himself on it. The furnished house detail is weirdly specific, almost childlike, like he's imagining not having to be responsible for anything, not even picking out a couch.
Every time I black out night / It's a soccer time-out / Lost minutes added to the end of my life
The soccer timeout logic is pure magical thinking. He's telling himself the lost time doesn't cost him anything, it just gets tacked on later, so the damage isn't real. But the next verse immediately disproves this when he wakes up to actual consequences he can't even remember creating.
I woke up embarrassed / With a pain in my head / I wish I remembered / Hurtin' your feelings / I woke up embarrassed / Took out the trash / I woke up embarrassed / And I tried to make you laugh
He says 'embarrassed' three times but never says sorry. Taking out the trash and trying to make you laugh sit next to 'hurting your feelings' like they're equivalent acts of service, like household chores can substitute for actual accountability. The repetition makes embarrassment feel like the only feeling he's capable of accessing.
The priesthood was supposed to protect him from girls breaking his heart, but he is already doing that work himself with the drinking. The blackouts are just a more efficient version of the same retreat. He wanted a furnished house where nothing required his participation, and he got exactly that: a life where he is barely present for the damage he causes.