From the album MJ Lenderman
Lenderman knows he's using someone as a painkiller, admits it openly, and then tries to reframe the dependency as freedom. The song's central lie is the claim that needing a person to escape darkness is somehow the same as finding light.
Makes me feel good at least for now / Until later / When the blues come back
The words 'at least for now' and 'until later' arrive fast, which means he already knows this won't work before he finishes asking. He's rehearsing the cycle, not hoping to break it.
I don't want to need you / There's an endless darkness / And I've found a light in losing my knife
Losing a knife in darkness isn't finding light, it's just becoming defenseless in the same dark room. The metaphor collapses under its own weight, which might be the point: he's trying to make surrender sound like discovery.
Lose my mind but I have not forgotten / Of my lost love and my shadow's gone
The grammar breaks here. 'Forgotten of' isn't standard English, which makes the line feel like someone grasping for coherence while claiming they haven't lost it. Shadows don't leave, they disappear when the light does, so this reads like he's describing erasure as relief.
There's a go light waiting on me / I thought I found it / I thought I seen it
The past tense kills the present tense claim. He says the light 'is real' and 'lasts a long time' while also admitting he only thought he found it, which means the certainty is already retrospective doubt dressed up as faith. I'm not sure if he believes it even while he's saying it.
The song ends with Lenderman trying to convince himself the green light is real while using past tense verbs that admit it already disappeared. He's not lying to the listener, he's lying to himself in real time, which is maybe the most honest thing he could do.